


Nightwing's Civilian Girlfriend

by orphan_account



Category: DCU, Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Cracky, F/M, Humor, Out of Character, Please Don't Take This Seriously, Sorry Not Sorry, i think I regret writing this, or something like it, plot holes everywhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 03:34:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10208639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In which Tim is weird, Bart is dragged along, and the Gotham Rogues Gallery stage an intervention.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Boogalee99](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boogalee99/gifts).



> I wrote this in a rush --> considerable decline in quality, please don't take this seriously -_-' sorry

“This is a disaster,” Tim moaned to Bart.

“Uh huh.” Bart continued to munch on Doritos. Damn, these were good; they didn’t have these in the future.

“A catastrophe!”

“Uh huh.”

“A terrible idea wrapped in tragedy sprinkled with horror and black cats!”

“Uh huh.” Bart didn’t actually know what they were talking about. He just zeta beamed to Mount Justice, got ambushed by a wild Robin, and was promptly delegated to the role of Understanding Gay Friend (That Wasn’t Gay).

“This is worse than that time Batman dated Talia al Ghul!” It was at this point that Jaime walked in. Upon hearing the words coming out of Tim’s mouth, he stopped, listened to the scarab, then slowly backed out of the room, leaving the surprised speedster to choke on his chips.

“Uh—huh?” He coughed, dislodging some wayward food particles from the wrong pipe. “Talia al Ghul? As in, hot assassin chick Talia al Ghul?”

“Well, no, not really, nothing’s worse than that time Batman dated Talia al Ghul,” Tim continued as if Bart hadn’t interrupted. “I mean, between the two of them they managed to create that little hellspawn, and nothing in the world can top that—unless Dick also managed to reproduce with his newest, nasty, vile girlfriend— “

“Wait, is this what this is all about? Nightwing has a new girlfriend?” Bart opened a new bag of chips, Lays this time. Mmm, Lays. “Doesn’t Nightwing get a new girlfriend, like, every two hours? And what’s this about Batman having a kid with Talia al Ghul?”

“—and at least Nightwing’s progeny would have _some_ redeeming qualities, but no, the mini-demon had to be descended from a heartless bitch and, well, another heartless bitch— “

“Ooh, burn!”

“—but this isn’t about Damian, and I’m pretty sure I can’t mention him here anyway because technically he’s not a canon Young Justice cartoon character (yet)— “

“DUDE. MIND THE FOURTH WALL.”

“Sorry.” Tim paused for a moment to solemnly repair the wall. “So yeah, Nightwing’s girlfriend is the worst—!”

Bart raised a hand. “Why, exactly, is Nightwing’s girlfriend the worst?”

“She’s a civilian!”

“Uh huh.” Bart waited. “And?”

“And? _And?_ She’s a civilian! And Nightwing’s bringing her home to ‘meet the family’ tomorrow! What was he thinking!”

“… And what’s so bad about her being a civilian?”

Tim flushed. “There’s a reason the majority of Nightwing’s exes are other superheroes. And the non-superheroes don’t last very long.”

“… The Flash has a civilian wife. And I think Nightwing mentioned once that Superman has a civilian girlfriend or something.”

“That’s different,” Tim dismissed. “Superman and the Flash don’t have to deal with crazy Gotham lunatics after your blood for dating a civilian.”

“Didn’t you once date a civilian?”

“Anyway,” Tim said loudly. “That’s not the point.”

“Actually, I wanna hear your answer— “

“The point is we cannot let this go on!” Tim pounded his fist. “We must break up Nightwing and Chantal Rose!”

_“We?”_

“Let’s go!”

* * *

 

Chantal Rose was a small-time actress looking for a big break. She had long red hair, chocolate brown eyes, high cheekbones, and an impressive curvaceous figure.

She first met Dick Grayson while window shopping in a crowded mall, the latter having accidentally spilled his drink on her when they bumped against each other. Apparently recognizing him, she then somehow managed to extract his phone number from him and set up a date for the next day. And the next. And the next…

Before he knew it, he was introducing her to his family, unaware that pretty much the entire Bat Family hated Chantal and everything she stood for.

* * *

 

“Move over!”

“I did move over!”

“Move over more!”

“Dammit Tim!”

“Shh! Here she comes…”

As Chantal Rose walked up to the doors of the manor with Dick, her purse got caught on the hook Tim had set up on the driveway. Tim pulled on a string, and suddenly the gaudy pink purse went flying into the bushes, landing rather painfully on Bart’s head. The speedster hissed and batted it away. What was in that thing, bricks?

“Oh, Chantal, let me get that for you.”

The two conspirators exchanged wide-eyed looks.

“What do we do!”

“I don’t know; this was your idea!”

“You’re the smart one, you should’ve known it was a stupid idea!”

“He’s coming!” Tim clutched the purse to his chest before Bart grabbed him and sped them away.

Dick peered over the bushes and frowned in confusion. “Huh? It’s not here…”

* * *

 

“Let’s see…” Tim rummaged through the horrendous purse in a suspiciously expert fashion. “Wallet, mirror, make-up, pamphlet…”

Bart had to ask. “Why did we need her purse again?”

“We need blackmail material so she’ll go away.”

“Couldn’t you have just invaded her online privacy using your super Bat-hacking skills?”

“Shh!” Tim waved him away. “I’m working.”

“… You’re really worked up about this, aren’t you?” Bart sat down. “You’re not even thinking clearly anymore.”

“Aha!” Tim triumphantly held up his discovery. A… comb?

“Um,” Bart said.

“With this, I can prove if she has head lice or not! Then my brother will surely dump her!”

Bart blinked in confusion. In his defence, none of this was normal behaviour in the future. Maybe it was normal Bat-behaviour? Grandpa Barry did say Bats were weird, scary people, and Tim was certainly scaring him right now…

* * *

Tim was kneeling on the dirty rooftop of an apartment building, his nightvision binoculars pointed at one of the neighbouring apartment's fifth floor windows. He could see Chantal in front of her wardrobe, getting ready for date. 

"It's time," Tim muttered, drawing a batarang from his utility belt. "Can't go on a date if you're unconscious..." He readied the batarang to throw at her head.

Bart groaned miserably behind him, cold and hungry and wanting to be anywhere else but that rooftop. "Tim. Stop. Don't you see how suspicious this looks?"

"What are you talking about?"

"We are spying on a girl who's changing through an open window," Bart said slowly. "Tim, we're perving on her."

Tim snorted. "Well, she should've drawn the blinds if she wanted privacy." He lifted his arm, batarang ready, then—

Bart tackled Tim, making him miss his target. The batarang flew through another open window and knocked out a middle aged man having sex with his wife.

Then Chantal walked into another room, out of their sight.

"Damn," Tim sighed. Then he glared. "Why'd you do that?"

"Let's just go," Bart mumbled, dragging him away.

* * *

 

“Is it true?” Poison Ivy inquired, absently batting away Impulse as he tried to free Robin from the vines.

Robin was unusually calm in his predicament. “Yes, it’s true.”

Poison Ivy narrowed her eyes. “This is not good. Another Batman-Talia al Ghul situation must be avoided at all costs.”

“I know. You in?”

“Yes. Harley will be as well. I will inform the denizens of Arkham Asylum. They will all want to participate.”

“And since everyone’s going, the Joker will probably want in on it too,” Robin sighed.

“Yeah, he does hate being left out.” With that said, Poison Ivy retreated.

The Team, suddenly freed from the Poison Ivy’s wriggly plants, stared at Robin.

“What?” Robin said defensively.

* * *

 

The Gotham Supervillain Intervention happened one sunny Saturday afternoon.

Batman, Robin and Batgirl were rounding up patients from an Arkham Asylum breakout. Nightwing was unable to join them because (and Robin couldn’t believe this was his reason) he couldn’t get away from his date with Chantal without looking suspicious.

 _I knew that woman was trouble!_ Robin thought, disgruntledly kicking… was that the Condiment King?... in the face. He noticed a portion of the Arkham group stealthily break away from the fight. “Bats? A few patients are escaping. I think they’re up to something.”

“Handle it,” Batman grunted, slamming Professor Pyg into a wall. He was still surrounded by Hush, Zsasz, and Firefly. Batgirl was chasing Killer Moth, who seemed to be headed for the Mayor’s house.

With one last look at the veritable shitshow the town square had become, Robin went after the escaping Arkham patients. Were they heading towards… an ice cream shop? No, that wasn’t just an ice cream shop, it was the ice cream shop Dick and Chantal were having their date in!

“Oh!” Robin realized what the group was going to do, and slowed down his pursuit, only going fast enough to keep the villains in sight. The villains arrived at their destination and surrounded the shop. The customers cowered under their tables. Robin crouched behind a bush and saw Dick trying to cram his girlfriend under a table, but the woman was resisting for some reason. From the circle of villains, Poison Ivy stepped forward.

“What’s up?” Robin didn’t bother turning around.

“They’re gonna tell off Chantal.”

“Ooh, move over.” Batgirl, who Robin assumed had taken care of Killer Moth, knelt beside the Boy Wonder and strained her ears. “They’re gonna let her have it, huh.”

“Chantal Rose?” Poison Ivy looked at Dick’s girlfriend up and down.

“Yes!” Chantal squealed.

Poison Ivy summoned some plants to crawl up Chantal’s body threateningly. “A little birdie told us you’ve been dating Nightwing.”

Two-Face leaned over and pulled Chantal from Dick’s arms roughly. “We will not let one of our adversaries date a girl who will distract him from his obligations.”

The Joker grinned widely, brandishing a rusty knife with a squeaky yellow duck handle. “And by obligations, we mean playtime with the good ol’ Arkham gang.”

“We don’t care if he dates other women as long as she’s a cape,” Dr. Hugo Strange stared intensely at the strangely silent girl.

“The more the merrier!” the Joker cackled.

“But all civilians do are distract them from our nefarious plots,” Black Mask spoke up.

“Which means we don’t get attention,” the Joker pouted.

“Which is bad for business,” Black Mask finished.

“After all, a cape’s attention is the main requirement to be labelled a supervillain,” Poison Ivy pointed out.

“And supervillainy is such a lucrative business,” the Penguin said.

“In conclusion,” the Riddler began.

“No one messes with the Bats but us criminals,” the Scarecrow hissed, glaring daggers at Chantal.

Poison Ivy stroked Chantal’s cheek as the vines reached Chantal’s neck. “So unless you want to wear a stupid costume, kill a lot of people, and live in Arkham Asylum part-time…” She suddenly grabbed Chanta’s cheek in a bruising grip. “I recommend staying the hell out of the Bats’ way.” Chantal, in an amazing display of bravery, tittered.

“Oh, that’s a super realistic Poison Ivy costume! This roleplay flash mob is really cool!” Wait, no, it wasn’t bravery, it was stupidity. “Dick, did you arrange this for me? Are you Nightwing in this situation? Who am I? Oh! Am I Batgirl? Are we gonna fight them next? Oh, this will be useful practice if I ever get an action movie role…”

“She thinks this is a flash mob,” Robin said flatly, his brain fried from Chantal’s stupidity, nonchalantly holding a furious Batgirl back. “I wonder how she managed to survive in Gotham for this long.”

Batgirl’s eyes were murderous. “That bitch is _not_ Batgirl!”

Dick was looking at his girlfriend with undisguised shock and confusion. “Um…?!”

“Oh, Dickie, no need to hide it, this is so thoughtful of you!”

* * *

 

In the end, even supervillain intervention didn’t end Dick’s relationship with Chantal. An amazing feat, considering how near every single villain in Gotham seemed to have banded together for a common goal (for once). Unfortunately, Dick’s girlfriend was so stupid she thought all the villains coming after her was due to Dick hiring flash mobs to put on a show for her. Dick, not willing to correct her assumption in case his secret identity was revealed, went along with it. Ignorance was bliss, indeed.

“So.” Bart peeked from behind a tree at the couple drinking coffee from the shop across the street.

Crouched in front of Bart, Tim huffed and glared murderously at Chantal through his binoculars. “Just you wait. She’s nothing but trouble.”

* * *

 

Tim was right. Chantal Rose eventually revealed herself to be a gold-digger and was responsible for sending his brother into an emotional breakdown when she broke it off, realizing there was no money to be had in the relationship.

Naturally, Batman, Robin, and Batgirl hunted her down and threw her in prison for her sins (thanks to the Batcomputer, finding illegal dirt on the woman (and there was a _lot_ ) was easier than getting the Flash to eat a box of donuts). And if they saw glimpses of Gotham villains lurking in the shadows (a cackle here, a slithering vine there), waiting for their turn to strike at the woman, well, that wasn’t their problem. They hadn’t committed any crimes yet.

(Later, Tim would realize that, indeed, the entire Arkham Asylum patient roster had broken out during all the shenanigans, and would cry at Bart’s shoulder for the inevitable numerous sleepless nights in the upcoming weeks. And Bart, being the Understanding Gay Friend (That Wasn’t Gay) he was, would sit there and half-heartedly hum noises of interest as he watched shark documentaries while eating Old Vickie’s.)


End file.
